Homesick

I am particularly good at managing my feeling and all whenever I am.
I have been living in 4 different countries before and have been living alone too for a decade, never once I feel homesick.
Maybe because it was my conscious decision? Or perhaps because I like where I am at, the community, food, and all?
After a solid ten months of being here, I finally feel homesick, so sick to my bones. It’s the build-up of sadness, loneliness, and helplessness in 10 months that has got me sick.
Especially this time of the year, it is the hardest.
I should have been enjoying a holiday, spend it with my friends and family. I mean, do not take my words wrong, it is not that I do not like being with my sister and her fam, but things are different.
I missed nearly everyone’s birthday in 2020 and probably will miss it again in 2021 and that thought only is killing me.
FOMO hits me bad.
I still could not accept the fact that I am (basically) living here now, even with a job and all (which at first, I thought I would).
Somewhere deep in my head and heart, I still feel like I am trapped and stranded here, and it gets into my head so bad that I begin to feel that I am lonely. And as much as l try to like it, it did not get any easier by time.
I am losing my freedom and independence, and that is an undeniable fact. I mean, of course, I could not be the only one feeling it, the pandemic hits every one of us badly.
To tell anyone if I am okay would be a total lie, but can I describe how not okay I feel? I can’t.
So, no, I have not been doing alright. I am not expecting you to pity me, but don’t assume anything.
Truthfully, no one would quite understand the feeling unless you walk in my shoes. So all the comments of “Things will get better” without actually listening to my whole story is no help on my side.
I know it will, this pandemic can’t last forever can it?

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