Losing my mom (3)

It was as predictable as it gets, weekend traffic was soooo bad. And my phone didn’t stop ringing.

Ronnie and I were so tight and our family knew each other well. So to have her around in that situation was much needed. Especially when she was that goofy girl that light up the room she walked. She throws some jokes and stuff to ease the tension we had.

We were so close to the hospital and saw the closest turn around was closed for cars to minimize the traffic. My panic became uncontrollable and I cried. I remember I swore a lot because of the traffic and got out of the car and told the police that was standing there in tears “Please let me use this turn around my mom is dying at that hospital and I need to be there as soon as possible.”

I tried, but he didn’t care, he was just doing his job.

My phone was kept on ringing from a different members of my mom’s family asking me where I was at. So that point, I know something was totally off.

I saw two of my aunties standing in front of the gate holding their phones so I told Ronnie to got off there and talked to them. And as soon as we approached them they were putting me in the middle of them and hold me and guided me to where my mom was staying. I looked at Ronnie in confusion and Ronnie was also confused.

Strangely we didn’t walk into the hospital through the main lobby, we took the side entrance. And then I noticed we walked straight back to the morgue. My head and feet felt so light I nearly fainted.

I saw everyone there. There were even Sven and Horton, my classmates that went to the hospital straight after they saw the news on twitter. They were much faster because they took the motorbike.

Sven and I were never really friends, in fact, we argue a lot about stupid things but we were not enemies. So seeing him there left me speechless. He walked to me and hugged me saying “I am sorry for your loss.” and hold my hand to see my Dad.

My Dad was standing in front of what I assumed was my mom with his head facing down and his right hand on his head. “Dad?”

He hugged me without saying anything and I burst into tears even worse. Indeed it was my Mom’s lifeless body in the coffin. They were waiting for me to get my mom into the hearse and transported her to her parent’s house. I only said two words “Ya Allah.”.. because I didn’t get to see her face for the last time.

I ignored all the phone calls and remember I saw my sis texting me only two words “Is mom…..”

and I replied “yes.”

she replied “ya allah.”

Turns out the whole family didn’t tell her that mom passed away, they only call her to buy the flight ticket to get her to my Oma’s place asap. But she was no kid, she was fully aware of what was happening.

I can’t imagine. It must be really hard for her because she came home after school just to get changed and then took a taxi straight to the airport, and buy the ticket for the earliest flight she could get in. It was her first time flying on her own, to attend her mom’s funeral. It must be really hard.

Ronnie hugged me so tight and told me to be strong because she had to go back to her Dad’s.

I got into the hearse with Nan, sister of my Oma. She keep calming me down as I couldn’t stop crying. And the traffic made the journey seems like forever.

We got into Oma’s place and everyone we know was there already. I kept on crying, everyone was. The sadness was mutual.

They put my mom’s body in the middle of the house while people reciting the Quran around her. They already prepared the grave, and just waiting for my sister to come and ready to buried my Mom.

My sister came at 9 pm after the longest and loneliest journey she ever had. She got into the house and kneels at my mom’s coffin. She didn’t say a word and cried. And when we told her we were ready for the burial, she asked my Dad if she could see mom for the last time. So we open the coffin and the burial shroud on her face for her to see.

Mom would have been dead for over 12hrs and when we opened it, she was smiling and there were fresh tears around her eyes. I swear it can’t be real if you didn’t see it yourself. There was no logic explanation on how she could be in tears.

We finished the burial ground close to 11 PM and went back home to Oma’s. I was holding Dad’s hand the whole time.

Everyone started to leave when it was close to midnight. Dad was sitting in the dining room on his own, I came to him and hugged him. He bursted into tears so bad. I even cried as type this whole series, 8 years later after it happened, the wound still feel as fresh.

I never saw my Dad crying, and he didn’t actually cry the whole time I was with him. He was just trying to be strong for everyone. He hugged me so tight and said “Now that mom is gone, you gotta help me reach out to all of her friends, asked them if she owes them anything, and if she did, pay it back.”

The next day our neighbors in the other city where we used to live and moms friend from pretty much everywhere came to pay a visit. Armand and my friends were also there. We were really not expecting so much people to come. And last night Dad told me to ask everyone, so I did asked them. Turns out Mom did not owe people anything but there were few people came talk to me and said they owe mom some money. So Mom was the one helping them when they needed it. I talked to Dad about that and he told me to tell those people that they shouldn’t pay it back to us, we were fine with it.

There were people telling me I was being ‘too much’ and ‘overreacting’ when I keep being sad for days, weeks and months after my Mom’s passed away. Just because I show it online and IRL.

I mean, did they really making a paramater of sadness??? Were there even any rules of how much anyone should grieve about losing parent’s to be considered normal and not too much? what the fuck. Like I know my mom passed away from twitter before my own family even tell me the truth, how was that to process? Fucking idiots.

When those people said that, I remember I only pray to God wishing their parents get a long healthy life so they would never have to experience the pain like quite like mine.

And my head, up to this day, could not understand why they said what they said. Commenting much?

I know at some point ‘those people’ gonna read this and now let me ask you, how does that feel mate? it’s hard, right? I saw every one of you posting your grieve online as well, and how’s that different from mine years ago? hypocrite much?

And let me tell you it doesn’t get easier by day, you just learned to live with it. And God, I hope you guys learned not to mock others like that, cause you never know what’s gonna happen next.

So those who got both parents alive, you’re damn the luckiest. Love them as much as you can, while they’re around.

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