My body curves have always been my biggest insecurity. I was always brought down about it. When I was skinny, a guy that was once into me got salty and then said “why did I even like you when you’re just a dark and ugly girl.” oh it hurts.
Then puberty hits and my body weights fluctuated like crazy. I danced, I exercised, I watched my food intake, to the point I went so far by going to the doctor and did some procedure, short of injecting some fat burner to my body every week that leads to some large bruises all over my body, like I was beaten up badly. And my gym and dance pals genuinely thought I was beaten by a toxic boyfriend.
I used to look at myself in the mirror and cry and said “why am I doing this to myself”. Everyone always made me feel as if I wasn’t worth anything because of my weight, and I used to wish I could be just skinny so that people will accept me. But there is no such thing as full acceptance, I saw some pretty and skinny girl still getting judged. So you know people are going to judge you no matter what.
I got my first period when I was around 11 years old and the myth amongst local believe that if you got your period that early, your fertility is gonna be good, or so they thought.
I got it quite early but I don’t get it in a good cycle, I skipped months. My mom thought it was normal as it was my first year of getting it, but it never becomes regular. We went to the doctor when I was in high school and the doc to told us that it’s a normal case as I was very active teenagers at school. The doctor gives no solutions, and told me I only have to worry when I’m thinking of getting pregnant.
And years later in Australia, I was diagnosed with PCOS. It’s actually a quite common hormonal condition that affects women my age and how our ovaries work. Women with PCOS produce higher-than-normal amounts of male hormones. This hormone imbalance causes them to skip menstrual periods and makes it harder for them to get pregnant.
I read Romee Strijd journey about her being diagnosed with PCOS and skipping period for 7 consecutive years before finally fall pregnant. And she said that her body was in a constant stress!
I was given a birth control to ‘fix’ the hormone that I never once take it. After noticing that PCOS would affects my fertility, I was kinda ready and shaped my mind that I might not gonna have kids on my own and if I were decided to have, I’d probably do surrogate, which at some point scared away the guys I dated. I even got dumped the minute I told my then-boyfriend I wouldn’t want to have kids. He didn’t know I had PCOS and that time he was talking a lot about getting married and have kids. And I was stressed out and less educated.
Well, as time goes by PCOS is not a death sentence, but it’s just annoying that doctors don’t know exactly what causes it. They believe that high levels of male hormones prevent the ovaries from producing hormones and making eggs normally. Genes, insulin resistance, and inflammation have all been linked to excess androgen production. Opening up about my body insecurity and PCOS has been difficult, knowing that people are not educated much about this matter and when I’m stressing out about not getting my period again, the will jump to the conclusion that I’m preggo.
But I want everyone to know that it’s not our fault to be like this, and PCOS won’t make us any less than any other woman. Just know that you’re not alone in this and make sure to inform your partner about this because a partner support is also needed!